Let Your Dim Light Shine
by Erikasbuddy
Summary: In the tarot the butterfly represents change. In his arms the butterfly represents love. Jasper finally captures what he's been after but what happens when the crystal ball shatters?  -AH-
1. Let your Dim Light Shine

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight or Soul Asylum or even a cell phone.

**Summary:** In the tarot the butterfly represents change. In his arms the butterfly represents love. Jasper finally captures what he's been after but what happens when the crystal ball shatters?

* * *

_Streets are filled with broken glass  
You get buried by the past  
And give me just a little taste  
Lay this mess to waste, take me home_

Promises Broken -by Soul Asylum

**Let Your Dim Light Shine**

**.**

Life as I know it will never be the same again. Alone yet surrounded by everyone. The emptiness inside it all is just so excruciating. The hollow sound of my voice is starting to give me away. Forever I have been cursed with my sins. They always play in my head. A rerun of tragedies spread out in a day then played on the airwaves that enter the houses of every blood relative I have. I'm alone in this race and yet... I never am.

It all started when I saw her, for what probably was the fifty-third time, but without speaking words it always seemed like the first. A waitress at a diner. Isn't there an old black and white that started out like that? She was so young and innocent. A delicate flower in a garden among weeds. I sat down at a battered old table and waited to be served. To my surprise, who approached me wasn't who I wanted to see.

"What'll it be?" The woman before me took out a pad and a pencil. Her hair was up in a bun, and her eyes were everywhere but in front of her. I felt trapped in the booth. This wasn't where I needed to be placed. I wanted to be in another section. The section where I thought, if I was lucky, if I was given enough time, I could make things happen and promise her rings. I was getting ahead of myself. I was always getting ahead of myself.

I watched her out of the corner of my eye as the waitress before me started rattling off the specials of the night. I had just gotten done with my nightly set with the guys. All I wanted to do was sit quietly and watch the people go by. I didn't want to hear what meatloaf or what type of chicken was on the menu tonight. I wanted to watch the girl on the other side of the room.

"That will be fine," I said.

My waitress looked at me with confusion. She repeated the last thing she had said, and I shook my head in agreement. Flipping her pad shut, she rolled her eyes then went to call in my order to the cook.

At the other end of the diner was the girl that I came to see. The girl with the combat boots under her pale blue uniform. The girl with the butterfly tattooed on her wrist. The girl that if I was given enough time...well, I've already mentioned that before haven't I?

Within minutes or heartbeats, I wasn't keeping track, the butterfly tattoo fluttered past my table. Inside, my blood rushed into my head and the insides of my body nearly ground my bones. Unable to control my actions, I grabbed hold of the inked butterfly with my hand as a net...and she stopped. She stopped in her tracks and turned her eyes towards me. With a curl of her lips, she smiled. I was about to sweat bullets. I was about to break loose. I wanted to pin her against the wall then ask for her name later. I wanted to...breathe.

She grabbed my hand. The one that I had below her own. Quickly, I rose, not knowing what she had in mind but going with it anyway. I wasn't about to ask questions. We walked quickly to the back. She led the way, and I followed with eyes staring at my body then hers. The heat in her palm was hot enough to cook an egg. The heat from mine was hot enough to start an inferno.

Pulling me past greasy men in white then out the doors of the fire exit, I was slammed into a brick wall. My back met the concrete and then her mouth met my lips. She tugged on my hair, her combat boots pushed firmly into the sides of my own, and her hands... well, they were all over. Starting at my ribs, she lowered them down to my hips then to my fly. I started to panic. I had played this a thousand times over inside my head, but never did I think it could become real.

"Hey, hey hey," I whispered through pants. "What's your name, doll?"

Her brown eyes looked up at me, and, like gazing into a crystal ball, I saw the future. Diamonds and pearls. The smell of cinnamon, incense, butter, and cream, all mixed heavily in the air as her lips met the grain of my neck then down to the collar of my shirt.

Fisting the Ramones logo in her hands, she stood on her tiptoes and smiled. "I'm Alice, Jasper. I've been waiting for you to make a move for nearly a month now."

"How did you know my name?" I asked half expecting her to tell me she could read minds or that her tarot cards told her last night.

"Credit card slip," she whispered into my ear before taking the ring I had pierced through it between her teeth. Tugging her head slightly back a sharp sting cut through me like a knife. That should have been my warning. I should have noticed the red alert. Instead I did what came natural and let her hands, the color of fresh milk, guide me in ways that I still to this day can't believe is how we came to know one another. We never left each other after that day. That was always the promise.

I was starting to become accustomed to Alice's chaos. Nothing was ever in a place that would have been easy to find, and yet she knew where everything stayed. Red pencils under the bed, blue thumbtacks on top of plates, and packs and packs of artificial sweetener were in a forgotten planter under the sink. I loved everything about her. I couldn't imagine living any other way. She made life just so interesting that I had almost forgotten what it was like to keep silverware in a drawer.

I came home every night to unplanned meals and unwatched movies. Before I could count to ten, her tongue was in my mouth, and my hands were gripping her ass as she climbed up my body like a child scaling a tree.

"God, I missed you."

She said that everyday when we found ourselves tangled up in this way. I could only be gone for an hour or a day. and she would always tell me how hard it was for her to live without me. In the beginning I thought she only said those words to fill in the gaps between her lips and my own, but after I watched her and got a better feel for who she really was...I then knew that what she said was more than true. And if the truth was told here, I found it almost unbearable to be without her, too.

Taking small steps with Alice around my waist, I supported her from under her plaid skirt. The feel of her lace was enough to drive me insane as her hot breath at my temple was already throwing me over the edge.

"Promise me you won't ever leave," she whispered as her tongue traced the back of my ear. Alice had a habit of making me reassure her over and over again that I'd always come back. I could never put my finger on it, but I think it had something to do with her tarot cards telling her the wrong answers or ideas. I wasn't ever sure, and never would I ask. I knew better. She should have known better, too.

And yet I always told her the same thing every day and every night. Kissing her butterfly, I promised, "I'm not going anywhere, doll. You've got me for the rest of your life."

I couldn't have been any more right.

The day we got the phone call, the apartment filled with so much energy that I thought I would be able to power the world off of it if I tried. My band had gotten a record deal. I was finally going to be able to afford something bigger than I had planned on three weeks ago.

Alice and I celebrated with my best friends at the bar down the street. I had gotten so plastered that she had to practically tote me home with my arm draped around her shoulders and my hip pressed into her waist. I haven't a clue how she managed to get me around the clutter on the floor without breaking my neck, but I can tell you that that particular night was something I'll never forget. Even through the haze, I don't think that I'll ever forget the softness of her hips, the brightness of her eyes, and the melody of her voice as she told me over and over what I meant to her.

I touched her hips so tenderly that I thought if I pressed any harder she might shatter. I didn't want this night to end. I wanted to remain in this cocoon forever. Alice's butterfly tattoo waved in the air as our hearts began to skip beats. If it were up to me, time would have stopped right there. But it never was up to me. I didn't know what I was in for. I only knew what I was after.

Alice agreed and said "yes" over and over again until I thought she'd go hoarse. Instead of a diamond, I got her a sapphire. I had swiped her book on gems and stones, researching a stone that meant forever and always, something that I thought she would dig better than what every other wife had on their finger. I wanted something that said, "I will follow you if you let me." I knew she would let me. I just wanted to show her how much I cared.

Alice threw herself at me with such speed that, if she were any more excited, I probably would have toppled over onto the couch. What I didn't count on was her climbing on top of me and shoving me back. For someone so short, she could pack quite a punch.

Her fingers laced through my hands as she pulled them above my head. Her smile was as sly as a fox as she closed her eyes for a split second then reopened them so slow that I swear I saw light. Our eyes locked for more than an instance, and I started to worry that she was about to have second thoughts.

"What is it doll?" I couldn't help but to be terrified that she was realizing this might be a mistake.

"Jasper," she leaned down over top of me, her chest brushing mine, her necklaces jingling, and her warm breath rushing into my chin. "I've waited forever to hear you say that."

How could forever feel so short? Bending my back, my lips met hers in a song that didn't have any words. Alice released my arms, gripping my hair instead. And inside my head, all I could think was, "Forever forever forever. Until the end of time. With lightning sparks and thunder crashes. I promise to make you mine." I swallowed her taste inside my mouth as my fingers ran down the base of her spine. I couldn't wait any longer. "Runaway with me," I whispered through shallow breaths. "Let's get married tonight."

We waited two days. Enough time to get the paperwork and time to tell Alice's folks. The ceremony was set to take place at my uncle's farm outside in the pasture once twilight came. We invited just a handful to witness our vows, and with every intake of breath I felt closer and closer to having her in a way that felt so right. Time refused to tick any faster. Its second hand slowed down to a creep. I was starting to understand Alice's version of forever. Nightfall wasn't coming fast enough.

We drove together as the sun started to set. Our final destination was just the beginning of our journey together. Alice's striped socks were just about to drive me out of my skin.

"Doll, you should know better than to wear those things."

She slipped out of her clogs and placed her feet on the dash. Giving me a wink and a smile, she wiggled her toes.

Her legs were hypnotic. Yellow, grey, yellow, grey, leading to a black jumper followed by a red choker. I held out my hand, and she placed hers inside. Her butterfly tattoo met my lips then our heads hit the glass. The car spun in circles, around and around like a bad dream. Alice's screams sounded like sirens. My eyes never lost sight of her. I held onto her as tight as I could as I turned the wheel in the opposite direction. The rubber of the tires squealing, the metal of the car tearing, the inside of my heart breaking.

The steering wheel exploded into a puff of white smoke, filling the car and my lungs with its chalky residue. My face hurt like a daydream; my hands were littered in cuts wide and narrow like joining rivers leading to the sea. The breath that I screamed came out in coughs. And that's when I realized that no one was listening.

Alice was gone. The side of her head caved in lightly from hitting the window to her side. Dented and imperfect, as her eyes stared into the nothingness ahead of her. There wasn't any time for good-byes. There wasn't even one last kiss. I lost her. As fragile as a china doll, as broken as a chipped cup, I lost her even when I kissed her cheek. She was gone. I touched her; she wasn't there. I held her; she didn't squeeze back. I whispered, and she didn't hear a thing.

Inside her coffin, Alice was displayed for all the world to see, not as my wife but as the daughter of her parents. Inside the room of the parlor, silent nods consoled me. Eyes watered their grief, laughter was sprinkled as memories were thought of, and still...the promise I did keep.

I made my way to her coffin. Cherry wood with a lacquered top. A golden plate on the side with her engraved name.

"Hey doll." Her hands were cold and stiff. Her once soft skin felt like that of a snake. She was spread out like she was on her way to a party when in fact she was on her way to the dance.

"I miss you." I leaned over and brushed my lips to hers. They were sewn together with the tiniest of stitches and hidden with faint make-up that rubbed off on me. Her broken features were hidden with the gold satin, pushed into a pillow, for no amount of make-up would be able to disguise what could not heal.

Reaching for her arm, I pulled it out from underneath. The silk of the casket covered most of her skin. Raising the sleeve of the peach sweater Alice wore, I freed the butterfly from its net, kissing it tenderly with the lightest whisper of mist. My eyes were glassed over, all shiny and wet.

"I kept my promise, doll. I told you I'd keep my word, but there's one thing I forgot to say in return." Gently placing her hand back into her silk box, I leaned down and found her good ear. "Promise you won't leave me, Alice. Promise me you'll wait. When I fall asleep tonight in the bed that we shared, just promise me you'll be there when I dream. Promise me, Alice. Don't walk past those pearly gates, not just yet. Just one more night, doll.

Promise me. Then forever my soul you can keep."

* * *

**A/N:** Special thanks to afragilelittlehuman for being my beta.

Thank you uber tons to Uhyesplease for pre-reading, helping me out with the part that I fudged, and for making me smile and blush... I owe you one.

Hugs and Kisses to sjAimee for forever being my Jane! You totally saw my dim light shine and that means the world to me. Your encouragement is like my favorite candy -super sweet!

This story is dedicated to my coolest bud, Leila. If I wrote her life as a fairy tale ... this is how I would word it :) -Thanks dude! You inspire me to no end :)


	2. The Lovers Card

**Discliamer:** I do not own _Twilight_

**Summary:** A short sequel to _Let your Dim Light Shine_.

**Inspiration: **"Alone in this Bed" by Framing Hanley

**Thank yous: **To anyone who has ever asked for more :)

* * *

**"The Lovers Card"**

Time stopped as I caught my breath. Through a mouthful of sobs, an ocean of choked back tears, and a landmine of emotions I tried my best to cope with my empty glass world.

She was gone. Forever erased from the canvas of traffic around me. Never to appear again until I closed my eyes and thought of her of face, her skin, her eyes, taste, lashes, legs. Happily ever after just wasn't in our cards.

Our life was too perfect. We had each other and the forces of nature became unbalanced. Her; a free spirit… me; a boy who played by the rules. I should have seen it coming. A gypsy prediction with a heartache surprise. But, I was blind to the world around me. Like a stubborn toddler who refused to see why the wooden block wouldn't fit through the cracked triangle-shaped hole.

The air around me doesn't taste right. The words I hear in the streets sound as foreign as China Town. The laughter on the subway is enough to make me want to ask for forgiveness.

Will the hurt ever go away? Will it evaporate into the pregnant clouds above?

I put my angel-shine deep into the ground, covered her with a blanket of soil, and reacquainted myself with Mr. Daniels… first name Jack … until I my pores were distilled. Where is my path of bread crumbs? I'm ready to make the wrong turn into the land of what might have been, what could have happened, what should have been the way.

"Alice," I softly spoke to her pillow.

"Where are ya, Doll?"

No answer.

Jasper, get ahold of yourself, man. What were you expecting? For her silvery ghost to rise from the earth and plant your lips with tulip stained caresses?

That's exactly what I was hoping for. I won't lie.

The white cotton still held her scent. Excitement, passion, energy, grace. It was all there. I feared that every time I cradled the softness to my chest, pressed it against my face, it would smell more like a lost memory and less like an afternoon out.

I swear I could taste her on the tip of my tongue if I inhaled deeper and deeper. Enough to make the room flicker but not enough to paint it black. The apartment didn't feel alone if I had her on my mind.

Teardrops sprinkled slowly out of the tight creases of my eyes. I couldn't hold them back much longer. My life, my love, my desire all faded the moment they shut her lacquered lid. Caging a beautiful butterfly to an eternity of darkness? How do they expect such a beautiful creature to fly with her wings pinned back?

Memories flood me like an unannounced tidal wave crashing down on an unbroken beach. The last time I held her, she was so warm, tiny, indescribable. Delicate lips flavored with chaotic splendor. The moonlight playing on her skin like tiny dancers performing on a grand stage. A parade of silk sheets covering us in cocooned lover's arms. I was at peace with my life. I could have stayed like that forever. With my love, my life, my doll. With the wife I never got to kiss.

She would have made a beautiful mother. I've had dreams of what our unborn children would have looked like. Tall girls and short boys. A mixture of caramel honey dipped in chocolate lava cakes. Spike and spunk with crystal ball earrings and unrestrained chain-link belts. A forecast of unlost baby teeth all kept in a little pink jar for luck.

Those dreams get harder and harder to think of with each passing afternoon sky.

"Doll, you made me promise you forever." My eyes burn and my fingers ache. My unplayed acoustic sits collecting dust in the bedroom chair where we made love till the sun rose. A Lovers tarot card is settled between the strings.

She must have put that there. She was always leaving me little surprises to stumble upon.

Slowly, I remove the card. With a shaky hand I hold it to my chest letting it hear the symphony of my heartbeat before I slide it into my upper pocket.

The strings are as cold as forgotten steel.

I pluck. A tune that was only for her. A gentle picture taken not so long ago.

If I could just touch her once more. Feel her sunbathed breath on the back of my neck. Shiver when she called my name in the night's embrace.

A string snaps and I'm left with a crimson line across my thumb.

It tastes like a metallic sunset as I slip it into my mouth, squeezing my eyelids together, remembering her face. Reaching for the card left behind I let out a fragmented sigh.

"Doll, you know it was too soon. Just one more hour, minute, 10 short seconds. I'd give anything to hear you say my name."

The life from my hand stains an eternal fingerprint on the paper, clothing the naked body of the woman in the picture in red clothes.

My vision blurs with saltwater tears. Burning their way down my sunken cheeks, my stubbled chin until…

"_Jasper_." My neck is bathed in breath and the hairs on the back of neck twitch. "_Don't move_".

"Doll?"


End file.
